while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
