you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
