So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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