I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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