the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
