We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
