you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
