and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
