Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
