if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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