3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
