her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
