Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
