also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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