As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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