I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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