I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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