totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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