Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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