I am puke
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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