i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize