she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
