is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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