If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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