girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
