I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
