I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
