Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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