Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
