i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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