went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
