dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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