My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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