How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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