I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
