the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
there is glitter all over my balls
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