He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just cropdusted the office
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
