If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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