Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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