You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
