She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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