Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
