i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
