we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
