i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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