i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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