Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
