The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
