I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
