that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
