I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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