I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
