how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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