Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
